The battle around me…

From: Julie

Lion picture

“Who can stop the Lord almighty, Who can stop the Lord? Our God is the Lion, the Lion of Judah, He’s roaring with power and fighting our battles, and every knee will bow before Him. Our God is the Lamb, the Lamb that was slain for the sins of the world, His blood breaks the chains, and every knee will bow before the Lion and the Lamb, every knee will bow before him.” Lion & the Lamb by Leeland, performed by Bethel

I am about to be really honest in my writing, so if you don’t want to know – stop reading now…

2014 started with mental anguish, torn hearts, brokenness, utter isolation, doubt of who God was and what He had said and I was left with just a shell of myself. I was walking through the motions and failing miserably. I had nothing left and felt so alone even in a crowded room. I moved, with my family, from a hard situation and was emotionally damaged and felt abandoned by God. I walked off an airplane, with hair that hadn’t even been combed, into family’s arms and still felt alone. I stared at my husband and children as if they where strangers. Basically, I had nothing left to give and felt there was nothing to fight for. I couldn’t explain it to even close friends and even my husband, who was going through the same thing.

All around me was a battle and I was oblivious to it. I had given up and felt no one could possibly understand that me – a girl who had always walked in faith – wanted to give up. I let myself believe that I was alone and even God could not understand how alone I was, how broken and damaged, how in pain I was in every moment. Physically I was in a better place, but emotionally the damage was severe. I thought my kids and husband would be better off without me because they deserved someone who was functioning. I didn’t want to pray, go to church, believe in my marriage – I was done.

Over my life, unforeseen by me was an epic battle. It was raging and the enemy was fighting to destroy what was left of me. He wanted to stop me from any freedom, any love, any life, belief in who God had made me. He wanted me to feel worthless. He wanted me to give up, believe I was alone and nothing could save me from myself. He wanted me to die … but God went on my behalf into the battle.

In the night, I would lay in my bed and cry angry words at God and all I would hear over and over and over and over and over is – “Behold I make all things new.”

“And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Rev 21:4-5

It was one sentence and I would hear it in every situation. When I would look at my husband or children, when I walked into our church for the first time, when I looked at myself in the mirror. I would hear it when I would hide in the closet and cry and scream into my pillow late at night in utter anguish. God was fighting with one hand and in the same breath was whispering to me that I was not alone and He was going to make me new again. He was telling Satan that he had no place speaking death to me, he had no place isolating me because HE WAS FIGHTING THIS BATTLE FOR ME AND HE WAS GOING TO WIN.

Slowly over months, I would hear myself whispering “Behold, I am making all things new” out loud. I started seeing that I was not alone. I was never abandoned. I stopped looking at a stranger in the mirror. I felt something towards my husband again and felt worthy to be the mother of my children. I wrote the scripture on my bedroom mirror, I wrote it in my Bible, I wrote it on a sticky note in my work desk and what it was doing was reminding me that I was not fighting this battle alone.

I no longer wanted to die, I no longer wanted to give up or believe I was worthless, I didn’t want to be isolated or damaged anymore… I wanted to be new.

“And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Then He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost.…” Rev 21:4-6

I began to sing praises over the battle, I began to know without a shadow of a doubt that I was not alone. He was telling me He was at the beginning of my life and He will be at the end and in everything in between. God was holding me in His arms while fighting for me at the same time and He would never ever, ever, ever, ever give up on me. Even in my isolation and utter hatred and doubt of who God was or where He had hidden himself from me, while I walked through pain, He had not forsaken me.

There was a moment, driving home from work one night that I felt His presence again. I was looking at this beautiful sunset that was pink and purple and breathtaking. I remember being at a stop light and tears pouring down my face. I felt love and hope again in that moment. It was quiet and crept back in. All of the sudden I felt God tell me, “It is finished.” He had won the battle for me and it was finally over. It was a defining moment. He knew I couldn’t fight it so He did it for me. He knew I wasn’t strong enough so He went on my behalf. He fought through the lies, doubt, isolation, pain and brokenness and He told me and the enemy that I was worth something. I knew in that moment that I was now going to be ok. I no longer wanted to give up, I no longer believed the lie that I was alone. I was now new again and the battle that had been going on for my life, was finished.

This week in church I felt it was finally time to share this part of my past. I don’t know why but I felt someone needed to hear this. Maybe you think no one could ever understand what kind of pain your in. You think you are alone and nothing can save you or will fight for you. Maybe the situation looks different than you thought it would, maybe your anguish is too great. Maybe you feel worthless. Maybe you want to die and give up. Just don’t – because all around you is an epic battle and Jesus is holding you with one arm while the other strong arm has a sword and is fighting for your very existence. He is saying to the enemy – YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM. He will not give up on you and wants to make you whole and new again. He is the Lion of Judah and nothing can stop Him. There will be a moment when you know the battle is over. There will be a moment when you can breath again and know you are healed. There will be a moment when the pain is less and you can live again. Do not give up before then – don’t believe the lies of the enemy as he tries to make you doubt or think anything is a better option.

God is fighting this battle for you – nothing can stop Him…

and He will win…

Lion and the Lamb: Bethel


One thought on “The battle around me…

  1. So true, so so true.
    I have typed and deleted and typed and deleted but here goes. We were praying for yall. We never needed a why we just knew we needed to. I am so glad that you guys are doing well now. I am also so blessed by your blogs. You and April write beautifully and have so much to offer. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

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